That was unexpected

I thought I can easily adjust into the role, but I guess not. Only two months into the role and I feel so unmotivated to go for work. It is sort of depressing when the only day I look forward to is payday.

There were many factors contributing to the reason why I throw the white flag.

• The need to justify for my own headcount being said outright to me on my second week of work
• Being told that I'm not expected to go off work on time
• Messages or tasks being passed down from my colleague to me instead of directly to me
• Updates or questions to be done in PA style. Regardless of how many emails or messages I send, almost zero response
• Constantly feeling as though I am swimming through the position
• So on and forth

Lets just hope my new employment is as good as it says. *Fingers crossed*

New job

Long story short, positive > negative.

Fumbling in a day-to-day responsibilities and trying to figure things out. Especially to work on the chemistry between my new boss and I. She is very different from both my ex-bosses. I need to adapt, and adapt fast. Things have been really hectic and I made a couple of careless mistakes. Hopefully I will not be penalized for those. *Fingers crossed*

First event down! Glad that it was a success! 

Day 4 of CEL

It has been four days but it still seems unreal to me that this is happening to me. It was just swollen legs and wrists. Who knew it would be leukemia (blood cancer) - Chronic Eosinophilia Leukemia (CEL)? Especially when the first diagnosis came out to be cleared of leukemia.

Being in the doctor's room and hearing this news, I was in a blank state of mind. There were tons of questions which I should have asked, but I was unable to brainstorm about it. Right after, I had to rush to my examinations and then gathering with my group mates. I was just too preoccupied to sit down and digest what happened in the morning. The next moment, it was an immense discussion with D about our future outlook. It was emotional and I am still emotional when I sat down and tried to talk about my condition. I was insecure, still insecure despite already being the fourth day. I felt bad and am still feeling bad that I am making people around me worried and heartbroken.

Walking into the traditional medicine shop, the sales lady straightaway told me that there is no cure for blood cancer. It was like daggers to my heart. Truth is harsh and it hurts. Please please please let my blood test be better this Friday and it would be awesome if the doctor can announce it as 'your condition has stabilized'.

Really glad and thankful to have really supportive family, grateful for D and his family to accept an unhealthy me, and encouraging friends. Without their support, I am probably still in tears and feeling depressed about all these. It sucks.